Be honest with others

“How would your relationships change if you resolved never to lie again? What truths might suddenly come into view in your life? What kind of person would you become? And how might you change the people around you? It is worth finding out.”  Sam Harris

Unfortunately, it is human to err, and I think, it is human to lie. If we can lie and get through something a bit easier, we are going to lie. We will do anything to make things easier for ourselves. I wanted to make a resolution not to lie to my parents anymore. I do not really lie that often, but I do lie occasionally to my parents, and that is only wrt the guys I am dating. They do not like to hear of it, and I do not like to speak of it to them.

So we kind of have an agreement, where they pretend I am still a virgin and single, and I pretend the same. Of course, when I actually do like a guy a lot, and want them to meet him, that will be a problem, I guess, we shall think about that issue when it comes up. It hasn’t yet. So no worries on that.

But can you imagine if I told them every time I was going to go on a date, or sleep with someone. Yikes! I am getting heart palpitations just thinking of it. I cannot imagine. And I hope it never comes to complete honesty on that aspect. It would result in my already tainted reputation being tainted even further.

Be honest with yourself

Nowadays, a big thing for me is to be honest with myself. Not bullshit myself. I am very good at hiding my opinions and thoughts. I am good at hiding stress, by doing copious amounts of yoga. But then, I am not being honest with anyone, especially not myself, which is unhealthy.

I GOT A NEW JOB! I know after applying for almost a year and a half, since April 2010, I finally got a job on Sep 23rd, 2011. I mean, I was working intermittently but admittedly, not really full time and not to my full potential. Which is of course the most important question. Are you living to your full potential? Are you living a happy life? Are you happy? Are you compromising?

I was reading this book by Anita Shreve, Where or When, and in that book, there were some very unhappy people, who had been compromising for 31 years. When they finally stopped, they hurt a lot of people and it was hard, but there was this desperation about them, because they realized they had wasted so much time being who they really weren’t. 31 years is a long time to be someone you really are not. It made me feel so sad, for so many people out there, who really are living lives of lost meaning, lives of quiet desperation.

The most important thing you can do is not live a life like that. Be true to your roots, make yourself uncomfortable, be honest.

Love

Why does a human being have to fall in love? It makes things so inconvenient! I was happy being not in love, single, happy go lucky, just independent and going on with my life. And someone amazing drops into my life, after a long time, I am actually interested in someone, and of course, he is interested in being single and exploring the meaning of life, rather than the meaning of us. I am saddened by this. I want to be patient, though. I want to let time take its toll and let time do its things. Eventually everything works out well enough, that is the theory anyway. I think everything works out in the end. I know everything works out in the end. Patience is definitely the key. Then, why do I feel like a douchebag, why do I feel horrible, like everything is going wrong, why am I being so negative. I saw on his facebook post that he was out gallivanting about town yesterday. That made my heart sink. He probably found some gorgeous girl who doesn’t want to be in a relationship and snogged with her all night. Isn’t that what most guys want? He probably bought her back to his place and then they did it, in the same place we did it a few weeks ago. How daring of him, how dare he. Anyway, its all in my imagination, all in my head. Our mental interpretation of things cause us more pain than the actual reality.
I want peace, and thinking about it is not going to help.

Workaholics

One thing I promised myself was that I would never date or marry a workaholic, because I had seen the havoc that caused in my parent’s marriage. Unfortunately, my subconscious has a different slant on things, because the only thing that it seems to be attracted to are workaholics. I couldn’t believe it when someone pointed that out to me. I am attracted only to workaholics. Well, I have been in the past and it doesn’t seem to be changing. My ex was one. The guy I am lusting after right now is definitely one. What the hell? Why am I attracted to workaholics? What is it about them?

I like guys who have a lot of interests and passions beyond work, but doesn’t that mean that the guy is too busy pursuing his passions to actually spend time with you. I like guys who do not call or text me a thousand times a day and I am fine if they do not call for a week or so, as long as they call me at least once a week, so I know that they are alive. But that again brings up the workaholic thing. Or it brings up the thing that they are not actually lavishing me with attention as I deserve being a princess in my own right.

Maybe the fact is that I am sending out mixed signals to the world and it doesn’t know how to interpret them. It sends me the workaholics because technically that is what I am looking for.

Dilemma.

I’m in a rut

The title of this post says it all. I feel like I am in a rut. I feel like my routine has become too routine. I need a change of some sort, something to prod me into action or prod me into something different. What should I do? I am in a relationship rut. I haven’t felt passion and lust in the longest time. I mean, it has been forever. I am afraid I am never going to fall in love again after the disastrous first love that I had. No man excites me. Am I meeting the wrong men? A lot of them either bore me to tears or just do not interest me. Is it me that is the problem here? I have no idea. But something has to change. It has been three years since my break up and while my ex has been racking up exes of his own after me, I have been single and single and single some more.

The rut has gotten so bad that I do not want to even blog anymore. What is the point of writing? Nothing new is happening. At least relationship wise. I am working on my fitness again, I keep on gaining and losing the five pounds on my belly, so it is an ongoing struggle. Besides that I think I am looking great, my body is fit, my hair is long and healthy, my face is doing alright. I am getting old, but doing well for now.

And if someone does interest me in the longest, like the guy who refuses to call back even though he is seemingly still interested, there is nothing there. We haven’t seen each other in almost a month and a half. These are not the actions of a person who is interested. I try to give leeway by saying he is busy. So I text him to say, don’t worry, if you have lost interest in me, I can stop messaging you, it is no big deal. And he messages back saying, I would love to see you soon, as soon as work slacks off a bit. What the hell is up with the mixed signals? I am confused, I need help.

I am still reading a lot, volunteering a bit, walking around downtown, going on a few dates, going to yoga religiously, drinking smoothies, trying to enjoy the summer. But I need something new. I am thinking Plenty of Fish might be a start. Lets see what developments I can report from there.

Revelation over job hunt

You know how a lot of times we are too close to our own problems, our own lives, that we are unable to see the trees for the forest or the forest for the trees. We are stuck in minutiae and we can’t get out. Or we are stuck in the big picture and we can’t see a way out. We need to step back and reevaluate. That is the point of chatting with your friends and family about your issues, to get better insight on it. Yesterday, while I was lying in bed, thinking about how little I am earning right now in my server position, and how much potential I have to earn that is not being fulfilled. I have a masters’ degree, I have the potential to earn millions. And I am earning piddly change right now. I am glad for the job, so I can pay my bills, but I realized that this cannot go on forever. I have to find a full-time job in my field.

Something else triggered this as well. I have a very close friend who just got laid off, and she has a bachelors’ degree. She told me that she realized after being laid off that she doesn’t have a lot of skills that are transferable into the market place. She fears that eventually she is going to be unemployable anywhere else except the service industry, serving food or something to that effect. That made me realize that is one of my fears as well, being unemployable. If you are unemployable, you are never going to be able to find a job easily and you are always going to living on the edge. That gets tiring very quickly. I realized I have to quickly but surely find a job in my field in anyway possible. Once I build up experience in marketing in any company out there, I will be good to go. I will have some experience and a masters behind me, I will be able to not fear the edge so much. In addition, I will make enough money to pay off my debt in less than a year.

I realized a lot of companies on receiving my application would wonder why I applied for such a junior position with my masters, or think I just do not have enough experience for the senior positions. I was stuck in the middle. Not enough experience, and too much education. I have decided for the moment to leave out my MBA from my resume. I can’t believe I didn’t think of this earlier. Every time anyone would look at my resume, all they would see is the MBA. I am going to see what removing it from my resume does to my job prospects.

Wish me luck!

Money watchers

“People watch what other people do with their money.”

I read the above line in a book by Alexander McCall Smith, an amazing Scottish author, and it really made me think. I wondered back to me buying something and people observing that fact, storing it in their mental almanac, and then throwing it back in my face, when I say I can’t afford something or I would rather not spend my money on that right now. It is true, I do it myself sometimes. I make judgements about people based on what they wear, what they buy and whether they are spending their money on the ‘right’ things, or whether, in my opinion, they are wasting their money. Of course, I have no idea of the circumstances of the person, what they are like, what their lives are like, what they do in their spare time, what their spending habits are like. I shouldn’t be making a judgment at all. It is not my place to judge.

For example,  a friend of mine went on a 5 month hiatus from spending on clothes, accessories and shoes. After that hiatus, she went on a spending spree of $500. Everyone around her must have thought that she was a careless spender. Look at her, she’s spending 500$ on clothes in one day. But they didn’t realize of course, that she had abstained from it for five months, which itself is a really, really hard thing to do. The temptation is all around us, I mean, all around everywhere, even in our heads. There is just no way to escape it.

I just want you to observe when you do judge someone for spending. The circumstances might be quite different from what you judge.

Am I a control freak?

I think in my head that I am a good person. But slowly, I am coming to realize that I am in fact an extremely flawed individual, who through her flaws, has inadvertently alienated a lot of people. That is quite a revelation to me, because of course we always blame the others for any misunderstandings. It has to be the other person’s fault. How could it be my own? I am happy that I realized this, because that means that I can start working on it. I can start improving myself, so I do not remain an extremely flawed individual in my thirties, but become a mildly flawed individual, always improving and getting better.

I am an impulsive person. Extremely impulsive. I make decisions on the sly, a lot of times without even thinking about it. If it feels right to me, if it feels good in the moment, if it doesn’t trigger some sixth sense or gut reaction of mine, then I go ahead with the decision. Giving out phone numbers to random guys, buying a particular item of clothing or something else, saying yes to going to dinner with a friend on a day where I was going to do nothing, applying to a particular school because a friend recommended it, quitting my job and going traveling for a year. Little things and big things both happen impulsively. Luckily enough or maybe due to trust in my gut instinct, everything’s worked out great for me. The important thing about doing things impulsively is not to have regrets. A lot of times things might not turn out the way you want them to, at the moment, but eventually they will turn out fine. There are positives and negatives to everything of course, it is how you choose to look at them.

I also realized that I am a bit of a control freak. I thought I am an easy-going individual, but I am in fact extremely controlling. Just saying the previous statement, makes me realize how true it is. I want things done a certain way and if it doesn’t, I fix it or I mull over it. I think about it and I try to change it, it bothers me, and sometimes I throw a tantrum. Why haven’t I realized this till now? How delusional am I? We have had this chat about my delusions about myself and the way my life is going. I am realizing more and more that I am a lot delusional, and thank God, my parents and siblings are here to bring me back to reality. I am extremely controlling and I have to notice that, and try to work on it. I cannot change myself completely, and I shouldn’t change myself completely. I think a lot of my flaws make who I am as an individual. They are a part of who I am, what makes me unique. Like my impulsiveness is an important part of me, it makes me the unique individual that I am.

Another thing that was pointed out was that I place too much importance on yoga. Listening to that, I thought, of course I do, what else is there that is so important for health, body and spirit. Of course, there are loads of other things. Relationships, Food, Happiness, etc. What happens with me is that if I do not go to yoga, my whole day seems to be ruined. If my schedule gets changed in anyway, my whole day seems to be ruined. If that is not controlling, then I don’t know what is. I feel like my mood is ruined, my health is ruined, my life is ruined if I do not go to yoga regularly. It shouldn’t be like this. It is just a small part of my life, it shouldn’t encompass my life. Is it that I am trying to control my body, because that is the only thing right now that I have any control over? Is that it?

Does it all come down to control? Do I have control issues?

Feeling the blues

I am feeling blue. Extremely sad. The weather outside is thunder and lightning. And it is the same inside of me. I am feeling hopeless today, hopeless about the future, and I am never like that. I am the most optimistic person on the planet. But I feel sad today. Sad with the way things are going. I am not happy at the moment. I am not controlling the sadness, I am letting the tears flow. I do not want to pretend to be happy. I want to feel what I am feeling.

I have noticed that I am so much more sensitive to my body and its moods, the more yoga I do. I don’t know what it is about yoga. But I feel every emotion so much more sharply than I did before. I am more in tune with myself, my hormones, my moods. And of course, feeling all the emotions works well when I am up, but when I am down, it just means I am really down. I am blue in the bluest sense of the word. I can’t help it. I cannot get myself going when I am in one of those sad moods. I don’t feel like going to yoga, or eating or reading, three of my favorite things in the world. IF I saw stop doing any of these three, you know I am dead. Dead inside or going to that state very soon. It is something at the core of me. I need to do the three, eat, read, and yoga.

Of course, being rejected by every man alive after they get to know me after three dates doesn’t help the situation. I feel blue because I don’t understand why they wouldn’t want to be with me. I am a cool person. I am intelligent, beautiful and in great yoga shape. I can hold a conversation, I am independent, I do not need to be taken care of and I am classy. Why doesn’t anyone want to be with me? I drive men away. I do not know what I do but I drive them away somehow. And that makes me sad.

And of course being at home is great, but the travel bug is inside of me, it doesn’t refuse to let go. I want to go traveling as soon as possible. I am working hard at saving, but still the time when I can go is still so far.

Writing it down in this journal style format helps a lot. I feel a thousand times better after I tell the universe, I am blue. Its therapeutic, and I feel like I am being heard. Thank you for listening to me be blue. Hope you are feeling better on this rainy night.

 

Chivalry is dead

I know what you are thinking. What a cliche term and title! Doesn’t she know that we have known about this forever? Yes, I know. I know. I am being naive if I think that men who open doors or pay for the first date or compliment you on your dress are dead and long gone. But I had hope that there are at least some men on this planet who know how to treat a lady. But I got a rude awakening yesterday when I went on the most horrible date in my life. It started alright, with the guy coming to pick me up. Great, I thought, he knows how to treat a girl. And then it went downhill. He was a bit stupid or slow, whatever it was, he didn’t do anything except smile a stupid smile and answer the questions that I could think of.

It became my responsibility to get the conversation going and keeping it kindling. Ughers! He would only repeat the questions I asked him back to me, as if that was a great feat. And then we got to the restaurant and we wanted to make sure it was open. He didn’t volunteer to go and check in the rain that was pouring on our head. No, I had to go check if the door was open. Dumbass! And then when it came to pay the bill, he didn’t grab it right away. It just sat there sitting in the middle of us. Finally, tired of this whole night, I grabbed it and paid it to get it over with.

What a crappy date! I am over it. I am done with it. Done with dating for a little bit. I have met so many crappy men in the last few months, I am considering a vow of celibacy so I never have to deal with them ever again.